Visiting London even for 24 hours always fills me with excitement and pleasure, providing me with very fond memories of my wild party days and scandalous nights. Clearly, the recession is over since I left for views of the Indian Ocean some 6 years ago. New lavish restaurants and bars have opened up all over the place surrounded by some of the greatest architecture known to man.
Dining out is much cheaper here compared to the prices I pay back in Western Australia where a cup of coffee is $6 (£3.20) and a pint is $12 (£6.50). Thank goodness my partying days of champagne highs and hangover lows are over. My weekend escapades are now a thing of the past.
Starting my journey from the outer London suburb of Surbiton heading towards Old Street in the city starts with the drama that is British weather. Getting ready for a day out is a hassle in itself, deciding what to wear is made almost impossible by the weather – unable to decide if I should dress for summer or winter, with rain to shine in a matter of minutes. I settle for blue jeans, an off the shoulder light grey jumper and obviously a warm jacket.
Once at the station I find myself on Easter Sunday surrounded by parents and hundreds of children on their day’s outing most likely egg hunting. They seem well behaved so I should be able to handle it – well much better than the £12.90 travel card price I have just paid, ($25 in Australian money).
My wait is only 12 minutes so I grab a coffee and a newspaper for the journey. The Sun on Sunday is the only one available to entertain me during the journey.
And entertain me it does….
The lead story makes me look like an angel as it proclaims “VOICE STAR AXED OVER COCAINE BINGE”; with another revealing “3-IN-BED CELEBS NET LINK TERROR”. (I am now officially promoting myself – someone who has done 100 porn films – from an angel to a saint – better still the virgin Mary..
I decide to read these stories no further as to be honest its not exactly news, not for the UK anyway, and tomorrow they will be chip paper.
However, I do go on to read that Australia’s much loved icon, Shane Warne, allegedly has been bombarding a glamour model with explicit sex demands and adding selfies of his manhood. This makes far more interesting reading. Warne is an Australian legend, and has never promoted himself as Mr. Innocent – so I find it hilarious that this paper has made it such a big story.
According to the paper, Simone Toon, 24, has added her name to the long list of models who have thrown themselves at Warne, the now re-named “Sin Bowler” in order to promote their own careers and make a few quid at the same time. She complains he has a high sex drive and he’s into hot wax and the occasional whip and spank. I must confess the revelations of his mirrored ceilings and his alleged penchant for dominatrix style whipping makes me read further. Much to my amusement I must say.
I’m sorry love, but if you’re going to advertise yourself on an on-line dating site called “Seeking Arrangements” which is a site for women to avoid paying the 30% commission to their madam, what do you expect – a marriage proposal?
And then to top it all off, you make arrangements to head over to his house in London on your first date to drink wine, where you admit to having amazing sex. And now you complain because sex was on the menu and you’re still not married to him.
What makes me laugh more is she goes on to say “I can’t believe Shane Warne was on-line touting for sex”.
I’m not sure if you’re aware but it’s you offering yourself for sale -something which I have no bad opinion on – except that you’ve broken the golden rule by being indiscrete. Warne is only human and it’s either this site or Tinder. Seeking Arrangements is supposed to be the more upmarket of the two. Unless you have not noticed love, it’s the 21st century where casual sex is accepted openly and fetish desires are at last acknowledged as normal. If not, maybe you need to follow the antics of those supposed pillars of society in the House of Lords.
One thing for sure is if I ever bump into Warne, I hope he offers me the same services as you received. He looks great naked on his WhatsApp pics shown in the article and with my experience so far of Australian men he sounds like a winner!
I arrive at Waterloo station in no time to see an armed guard patrol, something I have not seen for many years having lived in the most isolated city in the world. I actually feel safer there after the recent terrorist threats.
I hurry for the Northern line towards Euston where I need to change tube lines. It’s quiet so not overcrowded but I still manage to drop the newspaper on the escalator whilst organising myself. I bend down to pick it up without looking behind me first, and I find myself with my head in the crotch of the man standing behind me. I’m just waiting for the words “while your down there love” to be spoken. I look up and smile, apologise and put the paper in my bag, quickly.
Arriving at Old Street I head to The Hoxton bar and grill to meet my friend Jay Kamiraz and his companion David. Jay is better known as Mr. Fabulous having recently appeared on First Dates on Channel 4. Jay and David, are both out lavishly gay with stunning looks and everything you expect from a must have gay best friend or two. They welcome me with warm kisses on each cheek looking past my drowned rat look, gained courtesy of British weather and my 5 minute walk from the station.
We are shown to a table in the conservatory area and sit down. The waiter leaves us menus and promises us the “best roast London has to offer”. I hold my lip, confident he has no idea who we are. The expression “best roast” to someone like Jay, Dave and me needs to be used carefully as we all have naughty minds. But I have to say this place is totally worth a visit for the food, and yes the roast is delicious.
After dinner it’s not long before Jay is recognised, which is not surprising with his hair gelled up higher than an Amy Winehouse hairdo. I love Jay and am so happy to see him get the attention he deserves. He previously won The Pride of Britain award from Prince Charles and is on the hunt for love, so if you’re looking check out Jay from First Dates on twitter.
With lunch over in the restaurant we head to the more relaxed bar/lounge area to join the rest of the revellers out on their long weekend Sunday session benders. Let me tell you the English are winners over the Aussies for once. Cricket we all have to give to Warne’s team and the way he handles his balls… however the British are streets ahead in their national sport of drinking.
It’s not long before a group of 12 women and guys sit down at the table next to us and leave me looking rather confused. I thought the umpa lumpas had arrived form Charlie’s chocolate factory. Their bright orange skin colour is burning my eyes, and my natural Australian skin tone instantly pales in comparison. They all have matching hair extensions and acrylic nails; and they literally are all the same orange tone, so it looks like a giant orange jelly mould shaking as they lean in to grab their Red Bull and Jägermeister shots all at once. Seriously, I think I have stepped on to the set of TOWIE.
By now I can hardly keep my eyes open, and it’s made worse by the fake tans beaming from the neighbouring table making me squint. I’m still on Australian time so having only been here 6 days, I decide to leave.
Jay and Dave are true gents walking me back to Old Street station in high spirits. They are out for the night to party. Hopefully the don’t ending up in too much bother, which in my opinion has as much chance as the UK having a decent summer.
I’ve known Jay for the better of 12 years and know the man on a mission mixed with Dave’s bursting personality.
I manage to get back to Surbiton before the shops close. This provides me with more entertainment than the Hoxton. Sainsbury is advertising on promotion Smirnoff fruit mixed alcoholic cocktails priced at just £1.60 per can. The shelf is nearly as colourful as the umpa lumpas I just left behind at The Hoxton.
Intriguingly, the alcoholic drinks promotion is placed next to the isle selling condoms, which are secured in security tagged cases on the top shelf and priced at £12.99 a packet… now think about it… alcoholic fruit mixed drinks are promoted and sold for pennies to the lower age bracket, which makes it very cheap to get smashed … this gives people the courage to chat up the opposite sex, get themselves a sure thing promise… they then realise they have no condoms… so they run back to the shop to grab some condoms when they realise they cost 3 times more than the 4 cans of booze that got them in this situation in the first place!!! Hopefully they have the money to buy the condoms and get the security lock taken off so they can get out the door and practice safe sex… it certainly appears questionable whether safe sex is promoted by Sainsbury’s. Either that or they are not aware that booze and sex are a match made in heaven.
Thank goodness for Superdrug next door. They are clearing their shelves of Mates Double Intensity condoms, and at the bargain price of only £0.75p for 12. I buy all the remaining packets on the shelf in the hope of bumping into Warne further up the road, with his Sin Bowler reputation I hope I have enough…
Further on is also the convenience store, Poundland. That outfit is not in Australia, so I decide to pay it a visit while I am here. This place is amazing and a store like no other in more way’s than I could ever imagine. First I get past the massive Cadbury chocolate section, let me tell you this is far harder for me than Warne appears on his WhatsApp photos.
I move forward and get to the cosmetic section where in full view and readily available is everything a woman needs for a solo night in, and I’m talking a scene from the Bridgette Jones movie here. I am not talking beauty creams and foot soaks, I’m talking vibrating cock rings, vibrator pocket rockets, durex lubrication, sex enhancers and woman vaginal cleaners all priced at £1, yes at last this is my style shopping, trust me when I say I get way more pleasure shopping for sex items than a new pair of Christian Louboutin shoes.
I buy enough of everything to take back to Australia to last 6 months and head to where I am staying, all the while praying I do not get baggage checked when I arrive back in customs. I will have some explaining to do otherwise.
After my long day in London, without Shane Warne, I am still able to have an exciting night in alone to beat my jetlag… I knew I missed London for all the right reasons x