Also known as a dildo, they were originally carved from wood. How ironic is that – gives real meaning to the use men make of phrases like “You’re giving me wood” or “I’m getting a woody”. And it makes sense in the porn world when they say they are “getting wood”.
These days, thanks to plastic or latex technology, they are more realistic to touch and feel and, of course, to simulate sex with. Alas, “you’re giving me latex”, and “I’m getting plastic”, just don’t have the same impact somehow!

Dildos date back to the 16th century. Yet so many people won’t use or admit to using them. That’s like saying the English don’t drink tea. And I know plenty who do … drink tea that is.

They can be used in many ways and situations. You may be single and need to satisfy yourself sexually; or your partner may like to see you masturbate with one. Your partner may even like to use one himself to massage his prostate. This is hugely popular, trust me.

Dildos are also very useful in a relationship where the man is unable to sustain an erection and wants to satisfy his partner.

The range of dildos and other sex aids avaialable today is almost as limitless as groceries -from “love eggs” to the “rampant rabbit”, there are so many to choose from. So how do you choose?

I thought it might be helpful to provide my insights. You see, I have experience with nearly all of them. I’ve given talks on them to a wide variety of audiences – even to a room full of 1000 Jewish women for charity.

Even funnier, was when I tried one out on camera! Now, before you get excited, it’s not what you think. I was filming a show called Sexarama for Bravo television. They needed someone to use the then relatively new “love egg” sex toy that works in sync with the bass of any tune being played on your iPod whilst you’re exercising. When they asked whether I would try it, why would I say no … after all, an orgasm is an orgasm … and I’ve never had a bad one!

So there I was, in my gym kit with an iPod attached to some love eggs inside me whilst I went for a run. No-one even noticed. Of course, they would have if they had followed the course of the leads from the iPod to a place that definitely was not my ears!

They vibrated in sync with the chosen tune. But for some bizarre reason, they had chosen a love song with no bass whatsoever. Seriously, where is the bass in a love song! It really didn’t do it for me. If they had chosen Bat out of Hell by Meat Loaf, they may have received a better review – and I might have had some more fun!

Anyway, back to dildos and other sex toys

There are all kinds ranging from ‘pocket rockets’ to ‘double enders’. So how do you choose the one that’s right for you? And how do you use them?

Size isn’t everything – at least in this aspect of the game

My advice is to start small and build up.

How to use them?

First up – no pun intended – make sure it’s lubricated. You can use spit or any number of the commercial lubricants available. Oh come on, don’t be squeamish about spit. If you’re going to have sex with yourself or another, there’s nothing wrong with it.

Don’t use perfumed oils down below in your nether regions, as they can cause irritation and lead to yeast infection.

Whatever lubricant you choose, make sure you use it – don’t just ram it in dry.

And, don’t ram it in hard. You need to slip it in and out lovingly. This works both ways on men and women.

Of course, if you are using a double-ended one – designed for use with 2 viginas or two bottoms or a combination of both – just make sure each of you uses a well synchronised seesaw method.

Which one is best for me?

There are so many to choose from. And the price range is enormous.

Speaking of which, if you can’t afford to buy a good dildo, you can always get a cucumber, carrot or courgette from your local supermarket. The Health Department recommends we get at least 5 of these a day! LoL. But be sure to put a condom on them. Don’t re-use them. Oh, and remember to chuck them out straight afterwards – if for no other reason than to avoid an unpleasant experience for your house-mates!

Now, let’s consider some of the more sophisticated kinds available.

Pocket rocket

My personal favourite. It’s also known as the “clitoris stimulator.” This is definitely one that is good for beginners. I highly recommend it, as around 76% of women experience orgasm through external rather than internal stimulation.

When used by partners, she can use this on her clitoris while you finger her or insert your penis. Trust me, she will be more than happy.

Vibrating cock ring

The vibrating cock ring is exactly what it says on the tin – well package.

It is essentially a latex ring that slips over your partner’s penis, and has an attachment that vibrates against your clitoris when he is inside you.

Of course, you can use it over your fingers too, so you can satisfy yourself alone. I use this method when the batteries in my pocket rocket ran out .

Glass slipper

As the name suggests, this is a glass dildo.

It is really silky when it enters you.

It doesn’t vibrate. So I don’t recommend it if you are after a buzz.

They come in various shapes and sizes. There is even one that makes it possible to see inside the vagina.

You will need lubrication.

For a really sensual and heightened sensitive experience, put it in the freezer for a bit first.

Vibrating dildos

As I have said, there are so many vibrators around today. It’s really a question of knowing what size and action you are after.

They range from $20 right up to $750.

You don’t need to go with an expensive option.

Trust me, I have a $20 one of mid-range penis size and 3 different vibration levels, and it’s absolutely fine for me.

I once tried something called “the bone”. It cost $500, and it did nothing for me. Yes it came in a pretty box but that was not what I was after.

Don’t go for an over-sized or an over-adventurous option either. There is no point. As I said, only around 24% of women experience orgasm from internal sexual activity.

The rampant rabbit

This is probably the most famous dildo of them all.

However, I must say, quite frankly, that I’m not at all convinced by the circulating love beads mid-way up the shaft. So far as I feel, there is way to much going on.

And the rabbit ears do nothing for my clit.

So, why the rabbit is marketed as the best or the first one to choose from is beyond me – or beyond my nether regions anyway.

In summary, I recommend you should experiment with different ones and find the one that’s best for you.

Hygiene rules

As you know, I always promote safe sex. And it makes no difference whether we’re talking sex with a partner or with toys. Always use condoms with dildos, or purchase and use the recommended cleansing liquid that is available for them at good sex shops.

Unless they are cleaned properly, you risk health issues such as thrush and urinary tract infections. You can also risk e-coli bacterial infections in going from the anus to the vagina.

Refrain from sharing sex toys, except maybe with your partner of course.

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