I’m so often asked whether it’s possible to maintain a long-lasting and passionate sexual relationship, or are we destined to slide from a peak of sexual nirvana (or as close to that as anyone gets) for a long tail of warm companionship and Milo in front of a good soap on the television.
Of course, my standard response is – who knows? It’s so much a case of asking yourself – what is that you are after? and why?
I certainly don’t ascribe to the often ill-considered solution and advise my questioner to rush out and buy a some lacy underwear or a sex-toy, and subscribe for some pornography.
Don’t get me wrong. I don’t for one minute suggest these and a number of other strategies won’t help. They might. But they’re more likely to help in your 20s than in 30-40-50s The last thing you want to be doing then is running around the bedroom in a thong, lubeing up a dildo and flicking through the porn channels to watch someone else have what appears to be great sex.
This kind of stuff might be helpful in fresh relationships, and fun to experiment with in your 20s – you remember – when you had plenty of energy, a size 8 body, and weren’t afraid of being heard by the kids or the dog!
As you will have guessed, yes, I am going to go against everything you read in magazines to the effect that you’re never too old – and provide some pointers on how older females might improve their sex life.
Why try to improve your sex life?
First off, let’s think why we need to improve it? Maybe you are too busy? Too tired? Not done it for ages? Entirely comfortable with companionship, a cup of Milo and a documentary? If so, that’s fine.
But ask yourself, are you really content with that? Are you satisfied? Could it be that you have just grown so accustomed to your partner – and he to you – that it’s case of no-one instigates sex in your relationship any more? If so, you are most definitely not alone. Nearly all couples go through this.
Where has my sex life gone?
If so, why has this happened? Where has your sex life gone? What made the spark disappear?
Or, to put those questions another way – perhaps more positively – what are the main things that need to be introduced to liven up your sex life? What will re-kindle the spark?
There are invariably a number of reasons.
And you need to understand clearly that you are most definitely not alone in what you are experiencing. Nearly all couples go through a stage in their relationship when things get in the way – in your mid to late 20s it’s probably your or his or both of your careers; in your 30s it’s most likely children – you know, all the stuff that mean there is very little time, space and energy for you and your partner.
And you can add to those factors the biological reality that s you reach your mid-30s to 50s, female Estrogen levels drop and you enter the peri-menopausal stage, which in turn leads into full-blown menopause. And that lasts 10 years on average.
I went into menopause at 37 and the signs were immediate apparent. Most significantly (at least for me) I lost my libido! Sex has always been a need for me – not just a want. I am at my happiest after I’ve had sex, and also at my most relaxed. Without a libido, you have no desire for sex. So, if you notice a reduction in your desire for sex, first go see your doctor and ask to have the usual tests, including your thyroid This will give you some indication whether you are entering menopause.
And if you are entering menopause, rest assured the condition is not terminal for your sex life – although I must admit I felt it was at the time! There are a number of things you can do, including going on to hormone replacement therapy (HRT) and even testosterone, to increase your libido. Trust me, HRT was a God-send for me in the sex stakes.
What if it isn’t menopause?
So, what if the decline in your sexual activity is not due menopause or a range of other medical conditions (with you or your partner)?
It could be due to lifestyle. I have seen this many times. I try to explain the situation as follows. You need a balanced life. Imagine your life as a circle with 4 equal compartments within it – each respectively titled “mother”, “partner”; “worker”; and “you”.
What usually happens is we give most of our attention to being a mum, partner and worker, and we forget that we are actually a person – with feelings, desires, needs and wants. We forget that we are an equal partner. We need to make time for that part of our life.
This lack of self priority, and lack of time and energy, is exacerbated by the stage of your relationship. You have probably been together for years, and you are probably at the stage of the relationship where you and your partner are comfortable enough with one another as best friends rather than lovers.
This is so common in relationships, – and it is o comfortable that it is easy to forget you are also lovers. Putting your partner into the “best friends” zone is like calling your partner “my other half” – one of my pet hates, simply because the relationship comprises two entire people – each with their desires, wants and needs – not two halves.
If I am describing your relationship, then I suggest both of you should sit down and draw a circle so you can start re-balancing your lives and relationship with one another. And do it quickly, because you are way out of whack!
How to view and recover great sex
Great sex is just that – its great sex. It’s when 2 people are on the same sexual level and can communicate well. They are connected as if they are one being – connected on so many levels – as one of my partners used to say – at all 3 levels of body, mind and soul.
This is when a couple views sex in the relationship as it should be – beyond mere need – it becomes a fundamental and essential desire – a longing for it – a deep-seated want.
If you feel that sex is a must in a relationship – a requirement or an obligation – rather than a desire or want, then it becomes a chore. And in that case, all appeal will fall away in no time.
So look to great sex as desire and want, not an obligation.
Sex does not have to be vigorous. And it does not have to start – or even finish – in the bedroom. As I have said, sex is about connection – a fundamental connection – so enjoy it anywhere (within reason!)
Think of great sex as the sex you enjoyed on your first date – or if you prefer, your best ever date.
Great sex is about dating. If you stop dating your partner, there is a real risk they will fall into the best friend zone. And as a general rule we sure don’t go around having lots of sex with our friends – well not so much these days!
So, recognise the difference and re-introduce the spark and see sex with your partner as a want not an obligation.
Also, look back on how much fun you had while dating – the surprises, the foreplay that began as a text message, led to little gestures like buying a small gift such as flowers, and then on to a light kiss and so the story went. Re-capture that feeling and the great, sometimes adventurous sex will follow.
If you don’t have children text messaging your partner throughout their working day will also be a tease and help them be aroused for when they get home.
So, simply start dating again as you did in the beginning. Meet them somewhere outside the home. This gives you the opportunity to be fresh again. Remember how good it was when you had to get ready to meet your date and how exciting it was when they surprised you with where you were going. It does not have to be anywhere expensive, it could even be that they will pick you up outside the house at a certain time and you go somewhere else. I’m a true believer that the bedroom is not the only place for sex. And sex so much more than just sexual activity.
How do make my sex life more adventurous
Introducing a sense of adventure into what you may see as your jaded sex life is not as hard as you think.
First, you need to make time. That’s crucial in improving your sex life.
Second, you need to be open with your partner. Explain how you are feeling. And draw out their thoughts on how the are feeling. You might be surprised to learn they are probably a little bored too and wanting to spark things up a little.
Third, remember, it’s entirely natural to want to be satisfied sexually. It is absolutely no different from eating when you are hungry or sleeping when you are tired.
And it has added health benefits – it relieves stress, reduces anxiety, and – depending on your preferences – it is largely cholesterol free!!
Fourth, don’t try to be over-adventurous.
Just try dating your partner again – as if for the first time. Cook a favourite meal – one that reminds you of your first date – but maybe add and make comment that there are aphrodisiacs on the menu – red wine, dark chocolate, asparagus, oysters and ginger etc… Even the suggestion of those sex foods will peak his interest, even before he consumes them.
Introducing your partner to candles and home remedies is great for introducing erotic feelings back into a relationship. Go for scents such as orange, berries and chocolate – these seem refresh our feelings and happy emotions.
Another excellent approach is to suggest you both get a brazilian. Seriously, if you have never tried it, skin on skin is so damned sexy. And there are lots of realty discrete male grooming places open now that cater to all interests whilst he’s in there getting the “back, sack & crack” waxed, including beers on tap, widescreen sports and men-only.
If you’re feeling a little more adventurous, go to a sex shop together. This is not only real fun, it’s also a great way for both of you to engage and inform each other of what you have always fancied trying.
Maybe add some lingerie shopping to top this off. Sex shops have hundreds of outfits, not just the usual fantasy roles – you know, the usual nurse, cop, dominatrix etc… They have ranges from stockings, body stockings, underwear, role play and, of course, dominatrix wear if you want to get into that. Not to mention they also have a great selection of handcuffs, oils, feathers etc… that you may want to try. Rest assured, Ann Summers provides a massive range too if you or your partner are too nervous to visit a traditional sex shop.
You can also consider introducing a little secret desire – maybe surprise your partner by demanding they wear no underpants, or vice versa. This is such a turn on as you are giving control to our partner and letting them know you are up and ready for action any time. Imagining your partner without underwear or letting your partner know you are not wearing any is such a turn on. And it’s a secret only between the two of you which adds intimacy to the excitement.
Role play is another good strategy. Become another character for a change – if you are traditionally the passive one in the relationship, try taking control for a change. If you are usually assertive, maybe try being submissive. It’s about introducing variety to your life and his. But remember being submissive is not about being walked over. It’s about playing a role. If you are unsure how this works, google “Dom and Sub for beginners”.
In the end, it’s all about the connection, of course
Of course, all these suggestions can come across as gimmicks unless you are genuinely connected with your partner. It is just so important to let your partner know they turn you on, and to show them or show them. Remember everyone wants to be wanted and to have their confidence boosted. The more they feel wanted and confident the more they will open up.
That means once when you are with them, particularly when you are in the bedroom, it must be al about the two of you – no distractions – comfortable and relaxing – no phones and no TV… I say no TV as this can lead to insecurity and also take you out the moment, You need to be in the present moment to experience the best sex has to offer.
Oh, and one key thing I have always found works a treat in my sex life – when you are having sex – whatever you or they are doing – be sure to pause now and then, look your partner in the eye and smile or wink. It is a sure sign you appreciate them and are connected. And what better tome to do it than when they are pleasuring you and vice versa. Enjoy!