Porn – fantasy v reality, and how to manage the two

 In my earlier article on porno lingo, I made clear how important it is for people to realise that the sex they might see in adult films is not reality. I thought it might be helpful to explore this issue a little further.

I thought it might also be worthwhile exploring how porn ought to be better managed.

Fantasy v reality

As I’ve said, it’s important to realise the sex you see in adult films is not reality.

I’m not saying the sex isn’t real – it is – well, most of the time.

But the sex you see on film is very far removed from a genuine sexual relationship.

Everyone who watches porn – whether kids or adults – needs to understand what they are seeing is a fantasy world. In most respects it is not unlike anything that Walt Disney put out – does anyone out there really believe small elephants can fly?

I can assure you I did not appear in any adult movies where I was in love with the other performer. To me, they were nothing more than an object for me to use that day to make some money. It was invariably robotic – very mechanical. There was never any emotional connection.

And that is the key difference between sex in the virtual world of porn on the one hand, and sex in a real relationship on the other – whether it’s a long-term, committed and caring relationship or a passing casual affair – there is a connection – there is passion – and there is mutual respect (or at least, there should be).

Some might say they saw passion in some of my work. Fine. I’m glad I convinced you I was enjoying myself (in fact, for the most part, I was). But any hint of connection with or passion for my fellow performer that you might have gleaned from any of my movies was one thing, and one thing only – an act! I was an actor!! Don’t forget that.
It may be helpful to think of sex in the fantasy world of porn as just sex; and sexual activity in a relationship, even a casual one, as making love. Maybe that’s just semantics. But it might help you discern the difference between the fantasy of porn and reality.

The fact is there is nothing real, or loving about porn. And everyone who watches it needs to understand it is all fantasy. It is entirely different from real life.

It’s okay to enjoy diversity and experiment – but don’t take porn as your cue

Yes, sex may be about diversity and experimentation. If you and your partner are of legal age, and it is what you both want, then that’s reality – enjoy it. Hey, as I’ve said often, sex is as much, if not more, about recreation (ie. having a good time) as it is about procreation (ie. making babies).

In my view, the key is to have an open and honest relationship with  your partner so they feel they can come to you at any stage to discuss any issues, including sex. And that goes for the relationship with your kids also – believe or not, your kids are sexual beings too, with urges and desires (or at least they will be in time).

Body image – another aspect of the fantasy that is porn

Trust me, many people have concerns about their private parts. And, if you’ll pardon the pun, cock size (or the absence of it) is right up there with the most common of them.

Porn does nothing to attenuate these sorts of concerns. You need to accept that very few people have a penis the size of an adult film performer. And nor do they have the body of a porn star.

Children and young adults today have a tendency to compare themselves with others. And that includes comparing themselves with adult performers if they access porn. Believe me, this can lead to real insecurities as they tend to conclude they are somehow abnormal. Trust me, it’s far from normal to have a 10-14 inch penis; nor is it normal to have perfect, pert 30D cup boobs with a size 4 waist.

Performers in the adult film world spend serious money and many hours making themselves look their best, and that’s even before we have the on-set make-up artists do their stuff and turn us into Hollywood standard actors for the camera.

Is your sexuality and sex level normal? 

Again, there are real dangers in comparing your own sexuality and libido with those of professional adult film actors.

Just as you can’t control your sexual orientation, you can’t change your sex drive. If you have high sex drive, you have high sex drive – period. If you’re gay, you’re gay – period. It’s all in your DNA. And whatever it is, it’s totally normal.

So, by all means work on your sexual performance. Sexercise can help – take a look at my articles on this. But don’t get hung up thinking you have to do things you don’t feel comfortable doing. In particular, don’t measure yourself against what you see in adult films.

Don’t get me wrong. I believe strongly that sex is an essential part of life, especially of any loving and long-term relationship as an adult. I also believe that we need to make time to optimise our sex lives and enhance our happiness.

What I am saying is that there simply is no “normal” – whether you think orientation, enthusiasm, size, or willingness to experiment – there is no normal. There is just you and your partner and what you are both comfortable with. I always advocate – just make time for it and let it happen.

And if you’re happy with your sex life, then don’t change it. Sex does not have to be kinky, it just has to be enjoyable and satisfying.

And being able to perform like a porn star is far from normal. Trust me. I have seen and heard of horrendous injuries incurred on the set of adult movies. One in particular, someone I knew, was left with life-changing injuries through participation in anal sex far too often. They were torn inside very badly and required surgery. So don’t – repeat don’t – think that the sex you see on adult movies is normal; and don’t pressure anyone to perform like a “mattress actress”.

Who should watch porn and when?

It’s not a matter of whether people have seen or will ever see porn. It’s more a question of when they should do so.

It has been suggested that more than 90% of boys and 60% of girls will have visited a porn site on-line by the age of 16.

I’m not surprised by these statistics. In fact, I suspect the figures are most likely wrong and the age for both boys and girls is closer to 12. Hey, by age 16, most in the modern world have lost their virginity or had at least one sexual encounter.

And that is a worry in some respects. Because, for the reasons outlined above, porn is not the best source material on which kids should base their sexual understanding and development – if for no other reason than it can cause them to confuse fantasy and reality in terms of sexuality and sexual performance.

So, in that case, how can porn be better managed?

Proof of age

In order to perform in adult movies, we had to provide 2 forms of identification – at least one with a picture – to prove we were over the age of 18. We even had to hold them up to our face and smile sweetly for the camera.

Yet kids well below 18 years of age – some, I suspect, as young as 12, or even 9 – are accessing really hard core porn on-line.

I believe website owners and operators must start taking more responsibility in this area. They should start by making it mandatory that x-rated material can only be accessed after the user provides proof of identification with at least one picture to prove they are over 18 years of age – just as the performers are required to. No proof, no access. 

Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you will know that whilst trying to limit internet use by applying filters or blockers is a first step to minimising exposure to porn, the fact is that it is not really all that effective. Your kids can almost certainly out-tech you. And if they can’t, their friends can.

I know boys aged 9 who have typed the word “boob” into the google search bar and come up with adult material, simply clicked on “I agree”, and had access to very explicit porn sites.

How the money works

Now, I have always made clear that I went into adult movies for the money.  And I am not stupid enough to think that I was the one making the most money. I understood clearly from day one that once we made the movie and signed the release, that was it – no royalties; no percentage of sales; it was just a one-off payment for my contribution to the vision, and that was it

And I had no gripe with that at all. Well, no huge gripe!

But I do believe strongly that it should be made clear at the outset on porn sites precisely what the requirements are to view the films (eg. over 18 years); and how much it is going to cost – whether it is text, mobile or whatever access per minute.

I have heard of children aged 12 clocking up mobile phone bills over one thousand pounds in one week!

It needs to be clear and in bold print before anything is downloaded what the cost will be. And I don’t  mean in the small print. I mean like the shopping cart check-out you get on most on-line shopping sites. Even when watching it via streaming.

And don’t get me started on the banks!  The sites accept Visa, MasterCard, Maestro, Amex and most other kinds of card for payment. And these financial institutions make significant profits for providing this payment platform.

Excuse me for thinking these banks – so-called pillars of society – have a social contract not to allow their platforms to be used to exploit kids in accessing porn. Yet, where are their controls?

So, I think the site owners and banks need to be more responsible when it comes to allowing or facilitating access to porn sites.