The Promiscuous dater
Promiscuous? A curious word, isn’t it? Sounds like an old Greek guy who was condemned by the gods to push a rock up a hill for eternity to repent for some sin or other. Oh, sorry, that was Prometheus – or maybe Sissyphus – I can’t recall.
Anyway, my point is that social attitudes on promiscuity haven’t progressed all that far since old Promy’s day.
Literally, “promiscuous” describes a person having or characterized by many transient sexual relationships – someone who demonstrates or implies an indiscriminate or casual approach to sex.
In a dating context, I guess that means a person of any gender who sleeps with different partners frequently. This is commonly known as having a one night-stand or regular flings.
Now, I’ve got to admit this is one article that you might want to take with a grain of salt – after all, I am the ultimate single girl – and as one anonymous whiz so astutely observed – “Single girls taking advice from a single girl is like Ray Charles giving Stevie Wonder driving directions“.
Anyway, so much for the health warning – here we go!
It’s also known as “sleeping around”. Another curious expression, don’t you think -‘cos there’s not a lot of sleeping going on in this context as far as I can tell!
And, my personal view is that it’s a good thing. Hell, I’ve been sleeping around – or a promiscuous dater, if you prefer – on and off for many years.
Why? Well, for me, I just prefer choice and variety; and I am fortunate enough to have had both. So why not enjoy it. After all, as Mae West commented wryly – “Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.“
But seriously, how boring would life be if it wasn’t for choice and variety – in every respect, including sex.?
Just think about the variety of ice creams available. Where there’s variety, there is the opportunity to choose. And, surely, we want to try them all – at least before we decide which one is our favourite. And don’t even go near the question of which toppings you can add – oh, how my mind wonders…
Why should sex be treated any differently from any other aspect of life? Surely you want to try a range of partners, if only to find the one that’s right for you?!
And that’s even before you get to the many different kinds of relationships that are available these days – both within the traditional boundaries of man and woman – gay, lesbian and so on – all of which are far more socially acceptable these days.
So, why is promiscuous dating frowned upon? Especially if all we are doing is trying before we buy!
I’ve heard it said that a promiscuous dater is someone who is afraid of being hurt? And I guess I understand the argument – you know, along the lines that if there is no commitment, then there is no breach of trust or promise etc…. But, frankly, I don’t agree with the proposition. Why can’t it just be accepted that some people don’t want to settle down?
Hell, is the choice really between settling down with the wrong person who makes your life miserable on the one hand, and having no sexual relationship at all on the other? Surely that can’t be right.
I know for a fact that it just is not right. At a young age (18), I settled down with my first partner, and we had a child. It was my first real relationship. I thought he would be the love of my life and we’d be together forever. Then I realised he was not who I wanted to be with, so I left him. My God, the reaction from people was extraordinary – think of your son – you can’t leave and be a single parent with nothing else in life – blah, blah, blah …. I must admit I found the comments very hurtful at the time.
Stupidly, rather than ignore the comments and pursue my own path, I took them to heart and jumped straight into another relationship. And I had a child with him also. After all, what choice did I have back then (20+ years ago)? Society was incredibly harsh and, frankly, unrealistic. No one spoke of one-night stands or just getting your needs met – not in my provincial British town anyway. It’s just what society expected of young girls in those days. And again, of course, the relationship didn’t work out. In fact, it was a disaster. I remember before making the decision to leave him and take on society yet again as a single mum, I went to visit an Aunt who gave me some simple but really sound advice – she simply asked me – “in a year’s time, do you want to feel the same?” Of course, the answer was no. To this, she responded “well only you can change that”.
With this advice ringing in my ears, I returned home and told my partner it was over. He was, of course, shocked. And he hit out in every way he could to make my life hell – which, of course, completely vindicated my decision. The point is, I had every right to be happy.
Moreover, in fact, I really needed to find out who I was without the pressure of another full on relationship. I was so young and had been in two failed relationships. OMG, I hadn’t even experienced my first orgasm by then! How the hell was I supposed to have any idea of who I was and what I wanted from life.
And again, of course, I received the full judgement of society as it was then. I was looked down upon by people who judged me in total disregard of the facts – in complete ignorance of the physical and mental abuse I had been subjected to. I was again condemned as a promiscuous person (to use the politest of the terms used about me!)
So, why is promiscuity so looked down on. After all, as I have explained in an earlier article, it is so much a part of our DNA.
OMG, I can’t believe people still think they should wait until about the 3rd or 4th date before moving things to the bedroom. Can you imagine waiting for 4 dates and THEN finding out your date and you are not compatible in the bedroom. Seriously? What a waste of everyone’s time! My God, you could be still waiting and single at 90 waiting for Mr or Mrs Right! I am a very strong advocate of society accepting our desire for Mr (or Mrs) Right Now!
And, of course, despite what the various hypocritical churches preach to us – and notwithstanding what the even more hypocritical politicians prescribe for us – society isn’t like that at all.
One US university study of international promiscuity in 2008 – it measured one-night stands, attitudes to casual sex, and number of sexual partners – found that Finns have had the largest number of sexual partners in the world, with Britain bringing up the rear (if you’ll pardon the expression!).
Speaking of Britain – in 2014, a nationwide survey named Liverpool the most promiscuous city in the UK. For what it’s worth, I’m sure this has changed now that Bristol is ranked the number one UK city for single people! Yes, you guessed it, I’m a Bristol girl! Thank heavens – now I can go back to the UK and be socially accepted for being me!
Not that I ever gave a damn what people said about me anyway! Haha. Seriously, I’ve never given two hoots about what people thought of my life choices – especially as they were not living my life or paying my bills.
And they sure said things about me! I remember working as a consultant on the Jeremy Kyle show. On one occasion, I was giving advice about the real Adult industry and made clear my views that I was not against it; and I was explaining to a model how it really works. OMG, so many people left such dreadful comments about me on various websites. And all for just taking a stand on what my honest beliefs were.
The comments included very personal attacks. And yes, sure, they hurt. But only until I realised these people who were attacking me so viciously were sitting in their boring little living rooms, in their boring little houses, with nothing better to do in their boring little lives than watch TV and listen to my advice!
Speaking of which, one thing I do find funny – in the sense of strange rather than humorous – is the unequal treatment of women and men when it comes to promiscuity. Seriously, the double standard is breathtaking!
Just think about it for a moment. A promiscuous man is almost affectionately described as a “stud”, “player”, “womanizer”, “rake” etc … God, they are not just seen as socially acceptable. They are almost lionised and seen as heroes for their bedroom antics.
On the other hand, a woman who sleeps around is almost invariably described in very negative terms such as “slut”, “harlot”, “tart”, “whore” etc…
Let’s look at some facts.
A study of the number of sexual partners in an average man’s lifetime found 20% of heterosexual men had only one partner; 55% had between two to 20 partners; and 25% had more than 20 partners.
Another study found homosexual men were more likely to have significantly larger numbers of sexual partners.
The same study estimated that 45% to 55% of married heterosexual women had engaged in
sexual relationships outside their marriage.
And yet so many of the people who criticised me as promiscuous simply for expressing my views on the Adult industry on TV were women. What a bunch of hypocrites!
Hey, I have absolutely no problem with people who prefer having one partner; nor do I have a problem with people who want to have sex only in a committed relationship – that’s fine – good for you. But please – I repeat, please – don’t try to shove your views down my and others’ throats (so to speak) as being some socially accepted norm – because the facts show that is simply not the case!
And, instead of using your limited energy to attack women like me who enjoy a healthy sex life, you may want to use it to engage with your partner – because it appears a lot of them are playing away these days. So and you might want to offer your man a little action and do it damned soon – if only to keep them on the porch (as Hillary Clinton might say!).
They need to do a survey on how much sex is practised after marriage and for how long. Now that would be illuminating!
Seriously, whatever your preference, make sure you choose the right date, and make sure he or she is the real deal before wasting your time hanging around too long without sex. Sex is good for us. Trust me. It has been great for me – and it still is.
Oh, and a final word – as they say – “the best thing about being single is that you can sleep around – God, you can sleep all over the bed – left, right, middle, wherever!” (Anon).