According to a recent publication entitled – “What do women want? Adventures in the science of female desires” – it seems women have higher sex drive than we are led to believe. Yes, that’s right – we girls want more sex than everyone thought! Alleluia!

So much for all those myths about women’s lust being bound up with emotional connection – what bollocks – if you’ll pardon the expression.

It seems women are on top in the sex stakes!

Which reminds me of a story my partner told me. He was a partner in a large law firm. The agenda for a meeting he was leading included an item on “How to improve the firm’s gender equality” – AKA how to make more women partners. The head of business development – a woman – proposed a female lawyer empowerment program brilliantly titled – wait for it – “Women On Top”. The room just fell about laughing, apparently.

But it seems they were ahead of the game in one respect!

What amazes me is not that female lust has skyrocketed – but that everyone is so surprised that it has!

Seriously, I’ve known for years that women have very high libidos – far higher than they have been given credit for. Trust me, I’ve had many conversations with women about their wants and desires, and they out-strip the men by a long shot!

I recall presenting in London at a televised charity event called “Sex in our city”. It was filmed in front of an exclusively Jewish female audience. Man, I think they were the most sex-focussed group I have ever presented to. At least 70% said they owned a sex toy; and the majority were just so keen to find out what else they could introduce to the bedroom!

So, I am not at all surprised by the results of a scientific study that shows women want sex just as much, if not more, than men; and that there is no evidence to suggest this drive is for the most part sparked or sustained by any desire for emotional intimacy or security. To the contrary, the results suggest that women may be even less suited for monogamy than men!

So, tell me what you want, what you really, really want!

With apologies to the Spice Girls – or maybe not!

It also appears that women have been known to use will their sexuality to get something they really want! Shock horror!

Nothing new in my eyes. I make no apology at all for the fact I have used my womanly charms on numerous occasions to get what I want. Go on, be honest, you have too, haven’t you?!

Of course, the fact I love sex and experimenting doesn’t make the fact that I have used sex to obtain what I want any less true – it just means the task was all the more pleasant! An added bonus is the smile on both our faces!

Seriously, I believe most women have used sex as a bargaining tool any number of times. It’s just that social attitudes to sex are more liberal now, so women are prepared to admit it.

So-long to the old days

In the past – say my Mother’s generation – generally speaking, women were a little repressed when it came to discussing desire – even with their female friends, let alone with men. I suspect there were a number of reasons for this reluctance to engage on sexual issues. However, high on the list was that women in those days didn’t want to be seen as “forward” or “easy” or, god forbid, “desperate”.

Of course, it didn’t help that men of that generation were just as reticent, if not more so than women, to talk about sexual issues. This lack of confidence did nothing to encourage women to be open on these issues.
I guess this new-found-openness amongst women on the sex front is related to the relatively recent movement towards gender equality we are seeing throughout society. So, we are seeing women far more confident in the field of sex, and no longer afraid of being tagged as promiscuous (to use the polite word) or as a slut (to use the vernacular).

Trust me, the role reversal we are seeing in this field where women are far more open in public about their sexuality is breathtaking. Just go to any teenage party and you will, see the girls are light years ahead of the boys in the area of sexual politics. Hey, just ask the “poor 16-year-old lad” at one recent party I heard about, who was subjected to something called a “Rainbow” – courtesy of 6 similarly aged girls wearing different coloured lipsticks and giving him head! He was wearing a condom, I understand! Wouldn’t have happened in my day – okay, it probably would have – but not in my Mum’s!

Maintain the rage sisters – but be sure to keep some perspective and balance!

It certainly appears women are far more advanced than men in sexual terms these days. And that’s great. In fact, it’s awesome! But, we do need to keep perspective and balance.
In particular, I draw the line at sexual dominance – at least in a general sense. I don’t believe one person should dominate a relationship. Trust me, I was forced to escape from a brutal and very controlling partner years ago. The fact he was a deeply insecure and inadequate individual did not detract from the fact he caused me serious damage.

I believe there is an absolute need for balance in relationships, even although there is, at times, an ebb and flow between one partner and another as to who is more dominant and who is more submissive.

On the one hand, men sometimes need to be in control (or at least think they are!). As has been said – “Men love a submissive woman. Even when they say they don’t. There’s just something about a beautiful, soft woman looking to them to protect and take care of them that inspires a man to greatness.” Maya Banks, Sweet Surrender.

On the other hand, there are times when we girls ned to step up and insist we won’t be dominated. As Greta Garbo said – “There are some who want to get married and others who don’t. I have never had an impulse to go to the altar. I am a difficult person to lead.

Unless, of course, you are in a so-called dominant-submissive relationship, which is entirely consensual. I know plenty of dominatrixes. And I have played a dominatrix role a number of times. Frankly, I enjoyed it – although it’s not really my preferred scene to be honest. Even in these sorts of relationships – actually, come to think of it, especially with these sorts of relationships, there is still a need for balance. There must be for them to work. It’s not so much about power because, when you think about it, unless you have two willing partners, the master cannot play his role with the slave, so to speak – and this, in turn, places the submissive in charge, and so on it goes! But sub-dom is a story for another day.
In the meantime, keep up the good work girls! But don’t forget to also empower your man – after all – as Allessandra Torre wrote – “A gentleman holds my hand. A man pulls my hair. A soul mate will do both.” xxx L

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