Is this you? Have you ever wondered why love just does not happen for you, or you feel its one-sided and once the other person has had their good time with you they disappear.

As children we form a fantasy of what real love looks like, the fairytale and happy ever after. We paint pretty pictures in our minds based on fantasy of how life and relationships should be (oh, and the odd lie from books). Then we try filling in the gaps as we age and fuck up a little, or a lot! We end up making mistakes based on what we were educated and we have grown accustomed too. We seek a partner to praise us and desire us, to give us compliments which make us feel confident, which is similar to filling a gap in our younger childhood with fairytail books.

These reasons alone can lead us to attract the wrong romantic partner, and even if we choose them for the right reason our devotion to our fantasies can eventually lead us to destroy the reality.

What is a fantasy partner?

A fantasy bond is created when two people replace real acts of genuine love, admiration, passion, and the respect role and ritual of being in a relationship. You start to deliver the fantasy role to which the other has used as an escape from reality, and they are very destructive. Once you start comparing your ideal relationship to the interactions under the fantasy bond you act differently.

When you first meet someone there is no closed off conversation, we give out all our positive features, our best love-making, our best understanding, we even behave like we are their ideal partner without knowing exactly what their ideal partner is. Candle lit dinners, great sex,  laughing and talking to each other openly, lots of eye contact and flirtatious text exchanges between one another. We are open to new experiences-we are living the dream, or fantasy in this case. Once theses dwindle the reality check kicks in and bang the fantasy is over. Things become mechanical and routine and your dream of real love disappears.

How to become the ideal partner

Stop pretending you’re everything they want, stop pretending you are always happy and never down. Stop pretending and lying to yourself that sex is your best attraction-of course that is unless you want to be a fuck buddy!

You may think you are being honest from the start by showing off your best assets, but jumping straight into bed with them, or hanging out as mates is providing a fantasy world for them and you will eventually become frustrated when it goes no further.

When you first meet someone don’t make them your whole world, treat them as an individual and let them have space to do the activities they enjoy. Independence is attractive, controlling is not.

Don’t start with immediate routine and availability, this goes straight into comfort zone and provides no mystery-you must remain a mystery to encourage them to find out who you are. Start by dating them. Show them they need to value and respect your time.

Once they want to get to know you, make yourself more attractive to them by not always being available when they ask, and don’t just jump into bed with them when they want too. If you give it out this quick, you will be replaced this quick.

See the relationship as a positive to your life, not a person filling a gap. If they are filling a gap then it’s going to come across as needy and you will push them away.

Don’t try to be perfect, there is no such thing. Do not send saucy pictures to them, If they want saucy pictures of women, or guys, then send them to an online site providing this or buy them a copy of Maxim or Viz magazine, don’t become their masturbation material. Keep this until you are in a committed relationship.

Men actually find women who can hold a conversation very attractive, women who are as serious as they are about long-term relationship goals and stability. Talk about your serious side and not just your fun side, and don’t just be the good time person. 

Unfortunately schools don’t teach you how to hurt or love, they don’t teach you how to commit to someone, or how to give your heart to someone. They don’t even teach you about emotions. What they teach you is about how to handle basic life issues which use maths, english, history etc. So you need to learn and take the step to find out how you operate as a human, as a real person.

Start by being 100% you, learn to understand and acknowledge what makes you happy. Dont fall into the trap of making other people happy before you, or putting their needs first, it will destroy any relationship. It will also leave you feeling full of anxiety and rejection. And if you don’t do it now it will become a rollercoaster ride which will keep repeating itself.

Lianne Young

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