Love is so romantic, powerful and provides us with the sense of security, warmth and inspiration, but when it all goes wrong all this vanishes and is replaced with a sense of loss, anger and depression. Routine disappears, insomnia kicks in, your ego takes a battering and sadness, anger, guilt and resentment take over.

Relationships don’t always go as planned, it’s part of life but it does not need to affect your future relationships. Often when a relationship breaks down we find ourselves replaying old memories, conversations and scenes from the relationship. Many would like a second chance to put things right but this is not always possible and this is when we need to focus on a new outcome and accept it’s over.

Once a relationship is over you need time to move through the emotions and feelings to reach a good place. Negative feelings need to be removed before you can move on. The best way to achieve this is to start writing things down. I am not saying write a letter to your ex calling them every name under the sun, I mean write down your thoughts and feelings and keep it for yourself and reflect on what you have written. Write down all the things that you did not like in your ex and how they effected you, (these are steps a relate counsellor will tell you to do. Trust me, I once paid enormous amounts when me and an ex tried to see if we could reconcile, this simple task made me realise I needed to leave the relationship, so save yourself some money and follow my advice.)

Anger is probably high on the list of how you are feeling and is the most identifiable emotion when you first split up, after this you go through further stages of sadness,  these have to be dealt with to be able to move on. Feelings of regret need to be addressed also so that you don’t cling on to the past.

It takes time to recover to move on, but it will happen. In time you will accept that the relationship happened as it should have, you would have learned from it and you will feel you can move on to find love again. This is when you are available emotionally for a new relationship and not just physically.

Unfortunately, too many people skip this part of the process and move straight into another relationship (they get under someone to get over someone).They do this because they are hurting and want to feel better. Unfortunately this does not deal with the emotional effect of the last relationship, they simply take it into the new relationship with them. They convince themselves that because they received attention from another that made them feel better they are ready for a new relationship. (biggest mistake)

If you don’t deal with the emotional remains of you past relationship, the same habits are going to surface in your new relationship, this triggers a chain of events until the new relationship ends like the last one.

How to move on

Most people try their best not to deal with the emotional pain of the past. They go wild for a while, get drunk, sleep around and then convince themselves they love their new-found freedom. Avoidance may feel right at the time but the ghost from your past will return. The best way to move forward is to deal with the ghost and take control.

You need to acknowledge your ghosts and put them to bed. It’s not a blame game, and it’s not about abuse-very few people go out to emotionally hurt someone in a relationship. You have to take control and remind yourself that you are in control of your destiny. Don’t play the victim as you will be doomed to repeat this behaviour.

You need to accept the relationship is over and make the decision to move forward. If an ex said you would not get better than them, trust me you will. One of my ex once said I would not find anyone as good as him in bed, (yeah right-that was so unjustified). Another said I would amount to nothing-I proved them both wrong.

No matter what an ex says remember it is their words trying to hurt you, they have their own issues to deal with. Dont make their issues your own.

Start writing down the values you have for yourself, your boundaries and your requirements from a future partner and relationship. This way if you go of course next time you know who to blame and correct your own mistakes. Dont repeat the past-create afresh start. Remember not all men and women are the same. Everyone is different and their is someone out there for each and every one of us.


Lianne young