Convictions of sexual abuse have taken over the media in recent years, Max Clifford, Mr.Weinstein, Bill Cosby, Woody Allen, R.kelly and even John Travolta when in 2009 he paid hush money to a cruise ship worker who claimed the actor exposed himself during a massage. Brittany Spears was also accused of sexual harassment in 2012 by her former bodyguard when he said she had invited him into her room well naked. The list goes on and on and on and several famous musicians, actors and athletes have been found guilty of sex crimes. Some celebrities were victims of false allegations while others were found guilty.
People are unaware of the rules on what is consensual and what is not, recently an article in the US reported one women got off on her partner choking her during consensual sex play until she passed out. They split up and she pressed charges for sexual assault. She claimed she was unable to consent during the session and he had sexually assaulted her. The Judge found in her favour.
Down under in Australia recently a man was charged with rape as the women said she never consented to some of the sexual acts he done to her- until they split up she never had a problem. It was after the relationship broke down that she went and reported non-consensual sex and an Australian court held up the conviction,
So what message does this give to men and women around sex and dating- do you have a dating contract drawn up of what’s allowed and place it along side your online dating profile, or maybe write what sexual positions you will allow on your first or second date. The world has gone #metoo mad and maybe now your going to need a conversation about what you like before sleeping with a date so you don’t wake up in the morning worried that you could be accused of sexual misconduct.
Kinky sex play is also no excuse for rough sex.. the fetish world is also getting hit as the BBC recently ran an article on BDSM consent after recent allegations made against New York’s top prosecutor Eric Schneiderman who has denied engaging in non-consensual sex. He has admitted to engaging in role-playing scenarios in his private sex life but denies assaulting anyone. Four women have made allegations that he slapped them during sexual play to which they said they had agreed to sex but not to being slapped. This is not the first time someone has been accused of sexual misconduct during role play, US porn star James Deen and Ron Jeremy have both been accused of overstepping sexual boundaries and of course they denied the allegations and neither have ever been prosecuted. However, I know many models who will to this day stick to their allegations and I believe them.
Software companies are also jumping on board after the #metoo campaign and are building apps around consensual sex, “uConsent” is an app that allows people to give consent to what sexual activity they are comfortable with and lets you build a sexual contract around one another, it remains to be seen if this will help in the heat of the moment situation. I know it takes the fun out of random sex but unfortunately today you need to cover your arse and not leave it too exposed!
In the wake of all these reports if ‘No’ means ‘No’ and ‘Yes’ means ‘Yes’ which one is more. There are guidelines which in my opinion you should follow and you should have a relationships contract no matter how big or small. Always know what your signing up to from the start to avoid any allegations.
How to talk about sex
When you get into a relationship, sex buddy exchange or even a one night stand always decide what you want beforehand. Always be honest about what you want and what you don’t want with yourself. Never give into pressure.
Think if you really want sex with this person or not, if you can’t discuss sex with them should you really be having sex with them?
Always be honest with your date, if your happy to have sex on the first date that’s great-if not say so, don’t lead anyone up the garden path. Some people like random sex and some after five dates or more. it really does not matter how quick or how long it takes for sex to happen-just be open about it. Many men and women think differently and get mixed signals so you need to make sure they understand what you are saying and vise versa.
Make sure you listen to what the other person says “Yes”and “no”for. In my opinion to save any misunderstanding make sure you repeat back to them what they have said yes too.
Remember nobody can mind read so don’t play games and don’t give the come on to someone and then tease them with a sexual gesture. In return don’t think they want sex just because they are giving you the come on.
Sexual activity can change from “yes” to “no” during sexual activity at anytime and the other must stop.
Remember it’s about you, what you want and what your willing to do. Make sure you make this clear and never do something just because someone else wants too.
Written by Lianne Young sex, porn and relationships expert.